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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit your question here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
Our daughter’s first marriage was terrible. Her husband was a narcissist and a liar. We gave them over $50,000 in business loans. The money was used to fund a lavish lifestyle, and when it crashed and burned, the daughter parroted everything her husband said and claimed it was a gift. After we made a fuss about asking for her lawyer, she cut us out of her own life for two years. We ended up writing off the money, but privately agreed that while I wanted a relationship with my daughter, I would never be put in that position again. Our daughter came to her senses and divorced her husband after he got into serious trouble with the law. We welcomed her back, but she never mentioned money until now.
Our son and another daughter are both married and looking for new homes. We are paying for it. Neither of them have asked us for help since they graduated from college, so that seems logical. Our daughter also found out about this arrangement and is now requesting that we help her daughter as well. She got engaged again, but neither of them made much money. When we reminded her of her first 50,000 yen, she cried and said that after everything she had been through, we would throw it in her face again. “I couldn’t believe it,” he said. We don’t want to lose her again, but we also don’t want her to give in to her blackmail here. what should we do?
—Money is important
To everyone who cares about money
I’m not sure where you’re getting the threat from, but I understand that this must be very difficult and everyone is traumatized by your daughter’s terrible first marriage. I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear, but if you have the money, why not give your girlfriend’s brother a gift equal to the wedding gift or down payment? please listen! The 50,000 you gave her was a business loan. Sure, it’s a loan that eventually had to be written off, but most of the blame for that seems to lie with her narcissistic, lying, criminal husband, who manipulates her pretty violently. I think it was. In other words, she has never really had the experience that her siblings are about to enjoy: her parents will give her a big gift of money to help her get a start in life. And now she could actually use it. I don’t like that she “asked” for money. That’s natural and unpleasant, no doubt about it. But keep in mind that she’s been going through a lot lately, and if she can forgive it (and if you’re letting it go, then What do you think?)
Now, if you had an account that allocated 50,000 yen to each of your children, and she withdrew from it when she and her ex-husband didn’t repay the loan, she’s out of luck.
The money simply isn’t there. If you can clearly explain her bad love choices, business failures, lavish lifestyle, etc. without saying anything critical, she can help you overcome her disappointment. I hope so.
Do you have questions about children, parenting, or family life? Submit it to Care and Feeding.
Dear Prudence,
I (39M) and my current girlfriend (38F) have been close friends since we were in our mid-20s, but we only started dating a few years ago. Although our relationship is fairly casual in terms of life metrics (we don’t live together and don’t plan on doing so, we don’t want to have children together, and we’re financially separate), It’s emotionally intense. From the beginning, our connection has also been deeply intertwined with mutual artistic creativity. I hold her dearly and dearly to her heart, but I have never met anyone with whom I felt so spiritually and creatively in tune. She has dated other people too while she and I were just friends. So was she. But during that period, we lifted all partners up mentally and admitted to each other that we were comparing how we felt and looked together and realized those comparisons were missing.
The time we spend together is always wonderful. From deeply aroused creative gallops, meandering philosophical conversations, great sex, cuddling comfortably and quietly on the couch to watching a movie, to simply being content and being with each other. Everything is great. Basically, I love her with all of her heart and want our relationship to last the rest of her life, more or less in its current form, and that she has repeatedly reciprocated these feelings. states. For me, it is very difficult to imagine finding anyone else like her in the world, let alone finding someone who does not have her characteristics that I am concerned about.
And Prudie…boy, am I worried? I consider myself an easy-going, flexible, and overall resourceful person. She adheres to the philosophy that tact is just a good name for a lie, and she is very strict as she always wants things to go her way. She’s willing to compromise if I push back, but it takes a lot of energy for her to negotiate her compromise. Our compromises are generally harmonious when I’m careful enough to expend my energy, but I’ve rarely set my expectations and demands as tightly as she has, so in the end, In most cases, they give in. She should be around her more than trying to bend her in any way. She also maintains carefully private and locked social media pages that are only accessible to me and a few other very close friends, where she shares information with current roommates/ex-girlfriends and others. (talks very cruelly about (her father, her younger brothers) + nieces/nephews, other close mutual friends) and if someone doesn’t know something they think is obvious, It reveals that you believe people are, at best, stupid, and at worst, intentionally refusing to understand you.
She has the ability to be deeply kind and supportive to those she cares about, and has been terrible on many occasions for me and other friends, but she also has the ability and willingness to be extremely cruel. . And I already know that she will not accept feedback about this cruelty. She believes that her treatment of others is justified, and that keeping her abuse in a private space is a sufficient concession to her social harmony. . However, she has shared screenshots of her text conversations with these people, and she speaks to them in much the same way as she writes about them. She has a very demanding personality and does not consider that people have different perspectives and knowledge bases than hers. Basically, I have this sinking feeling in the back of my mind that our relationship is only going so well because I’m carefully avoiding any potential conflicts with her. . I don’t know if this is a wise or legally sustainable relationship. There’s a part of me that thinks I’d be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give that kind of attention, but maybe there’s a better relationship out there, an “on-spec” girlfriend. There’s no point in throwing it away.
Basically, this is my question. Would it be better for me to date someone I love fiercely but also hold back (if she continues to radiate cruelty directly at me or cross the line of yet-to-be-defined cruelty towards others? Or should I work on freeing myself from intense interactions with people whose expectations and treatment of others sometimes feel very bothersome?
-Concerned
To all concerned
That sinking feeling is exactly what it feels like. He won’t dump her “on spec”. You won’t end up dumping her because living her life avoiding conflict with someone she thinks is cruel, controlling, and narcissistic sucks and is not the way to build a relationship with her. Sho. But for what it’s worth, yes, there are people out there who aren’t this mean.
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Dear Prudence,
I have a dilemma at work that I’ve let simmer for too long and it’s about to explode. I am a white person in a very diverse workplace at a very diverse public university. One of my colleagues has consistently used the word “hero” instead of “hello” in the year and a half I’ve been here. The only reason I didn’t say anything? she is asian But she knows she’s Chinese and that’s starting to eat away at me. And my understanding of the word “hero” is that it was originally probably used to make fun of people with Asian accents, especially since the “l” sound doesn’t exist in Japanese. It is a derivative of the Japanese accent in that it is used instead. With “r” sound. Having taught English in Japan, I know that the “l” sound is really, really difficult for native Japanese speakers. And my Chinese-Canadian colleague has a Canadian accent. That is, she was born and raised in Canada and English is her first (or primary) language. So every time she says that I cringe.
I really hate it when white people police Asian people’s use of words that are used to make fun of Asian language speakers. However, I am starting to feel like I am betraying my Japanese friends, former students, and Japanese people at our school by not saying anything. Asia is not monolithic, so what is offensive to Japanese speakers may not be offensive to Chinese speakers. I’m sure I should say something, so I guess my questions are: 1) Complicated office politics (very complicated at the moment, but at least this coworker is technically my (Because he’s your boss and is bad at taking feedback)? 2) If I were to say it myself, how would I avoid coming off as a preachy white busybody?
-Should I stay here or leave?
Dear Stay or Go?
I have begun fact-checking this letter to better understand whether there is a legitimate concern that your colleague’s pronunciation will offend Japanese people at your school. Then I started reading it back trying to figure out if I think she was doing this on purpose. But I stopped doing it because it didn’t really matter. The issue you’re worried about may be real, but it’s not your job, it doesn’t directly affect you, and you don’t manage this woman (in fact, she’s your boss) ), no one is complaining to you. And we already know that feedback doesn’t solve the problem.
So I have a script for you to say to yourself:
I’m going to be strategic about how to do that in a way that fits my role here. There are many kids and affinity groups here who would appreciate my support, and there will be many moments where my voice as a white person is powerful. I look for opportunities to be an ally. When it comes to standing up for marginalized groups, I follow the lead of those who want to do so. protect. “
Check out this week’s Prudie.
More advice from Slate
Last night, when I got home from a girls’ night out, I noticed that my husband’s cell phone was not connected to power. I grabbed my phone, plugged it into the charger, and took a peek at what was going on on Facebook. When he opened it, he saw an enlarged photo of one of his friends’ body and breasts in a bikini. When I woke him up and asked him about it, he admitted in a sleepy daze that he had used it to masturbate earlier in the night. He can honestly say he lost out.
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