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Dear Quentin
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I’m confused and a little taken aback to be honest. Part of me feels like this is a “Dear Abby” question, but the other part of me feels like this is a “Dear Abby” question, but the other part of me thinks about the economic side of this dilemma and the fact that I’ve been reading your column regularly for many years and that you’re This feels like a moneyist question because the answer is “psychological.” We provide advice in addition to financial advice. I don’t know how to start or who to ask, so I’ll start with a question. Take a deep breath…
Two months ago, I had a wonderful dinner with a man. He lives about two hours away. I live in a big city and we had business connections. We texted during that time and he texted that he would be in town the following weekend. I replied, “I would love to meet you and buy you dinner.” He helped me with a project I was working on and bought me dinner at the end. I’m 50 years old, divorced and independent, and as a woman I thought it was nice to be able to return the compliment.
There’s a big conference in town that weekend and hotels are expensive. He sent me a flirty message and asked, “So can I sleep on your couch?” I haven’t ruled out the possibility of a great night, did it We’re finally going to take our relationship to the “next level”, especially since we’ve been getting to know each other better for a while now. But as time went on, I felt more and more uncomfortable and awkward with his suggestions.
generous invitation
I said, “I don’t know about that, but I’m looking forward to having a nice dinner and getting to know you better.” That’s when the text really took off. He said he didn’t want to drive two hours and “have to spend $400 on a hotel room.” I have a hard time inviting a man I’ve met once or twice over to my house and asking him to stay on the couch, and to be honest, such an invitation is just a guest sitting on the couch. I explained that it could mean more than that. .
His reaction was even more perplexing. He said he was in his 40s and he didn’t have time to play around.I can’t use the word “he” actually I sent a text message to your site. In other words, he’s not willing to drive two hours into the city for the weekend if he’s not sure if we want to talk seriously. I think he’s saying he wants an appointment from me before we go to dinner. It all started with a generous (or so I thought) dinner invitation, but ended up in this strange place.
Is this a sneaky suggestion? Am I thinking too much about this? In all other respects he is a fun and friendly guy. At first I thought his proposal was a joke, but after a few days and texting, I realized he wasn’t kidding. It’s his way or the highway. If I say no, he will reconsider accepting my invitation. He was handsome, successful, and always seemed like a great guy. This comes as a shock as he has always been friendly, warm and engaging.
single & independent
Related: I have been paying my boyfriend’s rent and helping him raise his children since 2012. He makes $200,000 by selling his home. Am I entitled to half?
Dear Singles & Independents
You sent him an invitation, but he responded with an ultimatum.
He has always been friendly, warm and inviting…until now. It’s easy to be attractive when you give someone what they want to hear: romance, respect, compliments, time, attention. In the words of Cyndi Lauper, the challenge, and its true form, is when a person wants something and doesn’t get what they want. Only when someone is tested do we really know what they are made of. This applies both professionally and personally.
You invited him to dinner, which will probably cost at least $150, including wine and drinks. If you don’t agree to let him stay in your apartment in return, he won’t come. You would be right to think that this is more than just a guest.You should, since you’re both probably consuming alcohol. both Let me know when the night is over. If he’s willing to drive two hours, he must think he’s God’s gift to women.
No one likes to be told have I said this to the writer of this letter, who had been invited to a concert at Carnegie Hall by a friend and was instructed to buy dinner a few days before we were scheduled to meet. This is far more sinister given the obvious safety hazards (of your own) and the obvious implications of staying at home. Your home is your safe place.
classic gaslighting
Does he have to have sex because he doesn’t have time to mess around? That’s classic gaslighting. This man is trying to take advantage of your desire for love and have sex with you. It’s even more frustrating considering you invited him out to dinner. His perverse logic: A serious relationship includes sex, right? In fact, the opposite is true. If he doesn’t have time to fool around, as he says, he will take the time to get to know you, build a friendship, and treat you with respect.
Even more ominously, his ultimatum has a coercive aspect. If Mr. Wonderful thinks he has the right to stay at your house for a second date, what other rules does he have to put in place? The National Domestic Violence Hotline Force is defined as: “One aspect of your life that you have complete control over is how far you want to go with your romantic partner, whether that’s your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or whoever.” I’m involved. ”
“You should never feel forced to do something you’re uncomfortable with or don’t want to do,” she adds. “Have you ever felt pressured to have sex by your partner? Have you ever felt guilty or unable to say no? Abuse revolves around power and control in all aspects of the relationship. It is not uncommon for abusive partners to try to force intimacy because they are often sexually abused. This is often referred to as sexual coercion.”
please think about it. Eat your dessert, pay your bill, and that’s it. mandated How to take him home? What planet does this guy live on? The most important decision you can make in life, both personally and financially, is choosing a partner. I have a deep archive of letters from married, divorced, and separated couples. They all deal with unreasonable, strange, and unacceptable behavior from spouses or ex-partners. This one takes biscuits.
Block it, delete it, and never look back.
.
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
‘She’s pretty annoyed’: My daughter’s male coworker got a bigger raise. Both started on the same day. Should she approach her boss?
‘He was shocked’: My friend let me live in his house if I fixed it up, but he sued me for unpaid rent and won $50,000. Then he passed away. What now?
The daughter’s father died in a horrific accident, but he was not listed on the birth certificate. How can I prove her paternity to claim her inheritance?
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