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“Did my husband spend all his savings because AITA did not offer to pay for him and his children?”
major artist 340
For some time now, my husband John has become increasingly agitated over small things and generally moody and aloof. I finally had enough and she consulted him about her separation. This conversation led to a big blowout and he revealed his financial situation.
My husband and I have always kept our finances separate. Also, although we call each other husband and wife and we had a wedding ceremony, we are not actually legally married. This was primarily for inheritance purposes as we each have older children from previous relationships.
Anyway, John reveals that he basically has no savings left. All the money he had saved for his retirement and his children’s education was gone. Additionally, he said it was all my fault because he used up all his savings to support me.
Nothing weird about bills etc, we always split everything evenly. I also own the house we live in, so there were no mortgage payments.
However, I have always liked to travel a lot and take quite luxurious vacations. I would invite John and his children to go on trips, but I never made them feel obligated to go. It is said that he was expected to pay money for himself and his children.
He has accepted every invitation, except recently. I also gave my kids things that he thought were “luxuries” but I thought were “normal.” So he felt he had to give his children something similar.
John said that all expenses to maintain savings decreased very quickly. I said I don’t understand why or how he would spend all his money knowing he doesn’t have any money. Since it was home, he couldn’t block it, and following the Joneses was even worse, he said.
John thinks that since I knew his job, I should have had a basic understanding of his finances, and realizes that this is not a lifestyle he can maintain. The kind thing would have been to offer to pay for the trip and other expenses instead of dangling them in front of his and his child’s faces.
Looking back, I probably realized that this expense wasn’t commensurate with his salary, but I didn’t think about it. I don’t think it’s my responsibility to keep his financial situation in mind here. We agreed from the beginning to keep our finances separate, so for me that means paying for things separately.
edit. We do not live in a state with common law marriages.
Here are the top-rated comments from readers on OP’s post:
Captain Sense Maker Oi
National Tax Agency. John made ends meet on his own because his fragile ego couldn’t handle you having more money than him.
Vegetables-Cod-2340
Indeed, if I can complain now, I wonder why I couldn’t say anything then. There’s something so disgusting about adults who can’t take responsibility for their own choices.
snackin penguin
National Tax Agency. The whole thing? Couldn’t he speak up and express his concerns when finances became an issue? That is his responsibility, as he continued to associate with the Jones family even after liquidating his children’s education funds. He doesn’t even pay rent or mortgage costs, so he’s got a free pass there.
Helpful_Time 1984
National Tax Agency. You let him and his children live rent-free. If he wasn’t happy with your lifestyle, he should have talked to you like an adult instead of pushing himself and getting you down financially.
That being said, you have never agreed to support him beyond free housing and your children’s memories just because he can’t afford the same. It’s unfair to expect you to deny an experience that will remain with you (unless your kids act like assholes or rub it in his kids’ faces).
Flounder solid 2659
National Tax Agency. I think he was angry that he wasn’t a man and that he earned less than you, and he felt he had to spend money to maintain his pride. He could have always talked to you about the two of you spending less on things, but he didn’t. It’s 100% his fault.
The Melonya
I feel like if the positions had been reversed, the verdict would have been different. I think she is being really inconsiderate!
OP answered here:
major artist 340
We talked about the trip, but he rarely had any opinions or suggestions. I thought he didn’t like planning things.
maple unicorn
Esh – You sound like a friend with benefits. You don’t have shared money, you go on vacation or do things without him, and you say you’ll give him the option to go or not go, but if he If he wants to spend time with you he has to spend money to go, he obviously doesn’t have money to spend.
That being said, he should have told you that he just needs to have a similar lifestyle to you and if he doesn’t, you should never “marry” him. In this case, I think they should get a divorce because they don’t seem to want to be involved in each other’s lives except for “inheritance” purposes. You both ruined this.
The next day, the OP came back with an update.
“Update: AITAH did not offer to pay for her husband and children and instead spent all of her husband’s savings?”
major artist 340
After reading all the comments on my first post, I realized I needed more time to think about things. I also thought that given the situation, it would be best to spend the holidays separately to avoid arguments and disputes. He was reluctant about the idea, but eventually I got him to agree to participate.
Last week, as things settled down, we met to discuss his financial situation in more detail. A few more things became clear. I found out earlier this year that he lost his job, but he didn’t tell me.
He started a new job in October, but was out of work for more than four months, pretending he still had a job. During that time, he only had a little money from his unemployment, so he started putting everything on credit cards.
His new job doesn’t pay as well as his old job, so he can’t make more than the minimum payments on his now sizable debt. I feel that if he had raised all these issues earlier, this could have been avoided and we could have worked something out.
I feel like I really can’t trust him right now. I can’t trust him with money and I can’t trust him not to hide things from me. At this point, I can’t imagine going back and trying to make things work.
He doesn’t have a place to put all their stuff, so I agreed to keep their stuff in my garage until he’s more settled. That means I don’t get as much clean rest as I would like right now, but for the most part I’m done.
Here are some of the top-rated comments from readers after this update to the OP:
Groundbreaking Two201
Apparently, living apart was the right decision. It should be easy considering you are not legally bound.
mtngrl60
I totally understand how you feel. All I had to do was be honest with you. And, yeah, I know what you’re looking back on and thinking…hmm, you could understand that if he was earning less, he probably couldn’t actually afford to pay for part of the trip.
But…as an adult…he could have literally said that and told me to go ahead and have fun. And he will go on the next trip with you. And I can’t tell you, but he lost his job and went four months without a job. All this shows that he has a rather fragile ego. And it’s not your problem, they’re coming to an end, but he was certainly trying to make it your problem.
If you have the money, I would literally offer to pay for a storage unit for 6 months and have them move all your stuff there. Pay him it up front and tell him you have 6 months.
That’s enough time for him to find a place and settle down. And if he needs to go over things and get rid of some things so that everything fits in the new place, it gives him time to do that too. That way, you’re still helping, but you’re storing their stuff so no ongoing contact of any kind is needed. It’s like a one-and-done thing.
I’ll say anything
“I found out he lost his job earlier this year, but he didn’t tell me. He got a new job in October, but pretended he still had a job and was still working for four days. I haven’t had a job for over a month.”
You will never understand this logic. This, of course, is immediately destructive to relationships. I would never trust a partner who takes this path. Others have commented and I agree. If you can afford it, put their belongings in storage. That way he won’t be happy and your garage won’t be full of junk.
Snooward 4839
Go ahead and get a storage unit, pay for three months, and you’re done with him.
Two months later, the OP is back with an update.
“Last update: What about Aita not offering to pay for her husband and children and her husband spending all his savings?”
major artist 340
For those who haven’t read my previous posts, there are two that expose what happened with my username. I liked the suggestion in your last post to pay for a storage unit for several months.
But my ex didn’t agree to that. He said the task would be very difficult because the nearest storage location was too far away. It certainly felt like he was still trying to hang on to things.
I couldn’t get the storage unit in his name without his permission, so I consulted a friend who is a lawyer about the situation. He helped me create a notice that required 30 days notice to pick up the items or they would be disposed of. Thirty days had passed since he received the notice, and he still only understood a few things.
In the end, I called his ex and asked if there was anything she or their kids wanted before I got rid of everything. Well, they were left completely in the dark about our relationship ending. My ex had lied to them that I was sick, but then he got sick with coronavirus so they couldn’t come to the house. I wasn’t surprised at all about this.
I thought she didn’t know the rest either and told her. she is furious. Especially since the child’s education expenses were part of the divorce agreement.
Anyway, the kids all got what they wanted, so I had a charity come and pick up the rest. I felt much better now that I had a complete break. Yes, I got the locks replaced and blocked his number.
This will probably be the last time I post as I have no reason to contact him anymore. In the future, I think you’ll probably want more transparency when it comes to finances in any future serious relationship.
Considering how much he was lying, we can only imagine what else he was lying about. I don’t think he would have been able to hide things if I had known more. He is truly grateful and relieved that he was able to protect himself and his children.
Here are the top-rated comments from our readers after the OP update:
Snooward 4839
I’m glad I called him. Well, it’s good to know he didn’t just lie to you.
A little interesting 21
absolutely. Kids don’t deserve to lose things because their dad is a shit, and your ex-husband has a right to know what’s going on.
old pm 2459
He seems like a liar. He lied to you, his ex, his children, and maybe even himself. It also seems like he can’t accept responsibility for anything and keeps telling lies to cover his tracks, trying to blame others. Congratulations on not legally marrying this man.
Star the Vazician
I have been following you since your first post. I’m not surprised. He also lied to his ex-boyfriend. Sounds like you did what was best for you. I wish you all the best for your future and good luck.
Guscalandrep 68
National Tax Agency. Your ex sounds like a manipulative liar, but you did the right thing by getting rid of his stuff. I’m sorry you had to go through all this, but I’m glad it’s over. I wish you good luck in your future relationships. Transparency is definitely key.
Belly_Junior
I may have a gambling addiction because I ended up spending money on my child’s education. If he doesn’t have a card open in your name, you should check your credit score.
OP answered here:
major artist 340
My credit is on lock, but I’ll check.
man wood rubber
How fragile human ego is! In his eyes, there was no partnership, only competition. I’m glad you are able to move now and heal from this nonsense. I hope his children don’t have any ill will towards you.
So what do you think the OP is doing wrong here? What would you recommend in terms of this relationship and the children involved?
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