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“AITA wants to donate to my (blood) niece, so I don’t want to contribute from my income to my stepdaughter’s college fund?”
My fiancé and I have been engaged for 6 months and have been dating for 2 years. He has an 8-year-old daughter with his ex-wife (let’s call her Sophie). He doesn’t want any more children. This is perfect for me. I have no problem being a stepmom, but being pregnant and working with babies and toddlers full-time has never appealed to me.
I have a 10-year-old niece (let’s call her Olivia) and I’m very involved with her. Me and his wife are struggling financially (often choosing to go into debt and dropping out of school. Also, the crayons aren’t the brightest crayons in the box, but they look great) , I have a very good job as a lawyer. , That’s why I maintain a college fund for Olivia.
It’s not a blank check to get her where she wants to go, but if I keep it, it’s enough to pay for four years of state school. And we have a public Ivy in our state, and Olivia is very bright. Also, at this point I have Olivia listed to inherit my property and half of our joint assets after marriage.
He wants me to stop Olivia’s college funds and leave her with no money. He now thinks I should help feed Sophie. He thinks that since we are getting married, the money should go to Sophie’s college fund. I think Sophie is financially responsible.
Of course I complain about things like higher grocery and restaurant bills to buy the food she eats and more gas to drive around while she’s here. I have no intention of doing so. After picking up her girlfriend, she isn’t going to buy herself a donut and isn’t going to buy her a donut. However, I think big things like her college funds are not my responsibility, but her parents’ responsibility.
Sophie has two college-educated parents who have decent jobs to support her (her mother is a big part of it), while Olivia doesn’t, so I I don’t think it’s unreasonable. SO said it’s not “my problem” that her brother and SIL don’t have great jobs, but it’s not Olivia’s fault, either. Also, if I’m contributing to the mortgage, I think I have a say in how our estate is divided when we die.
Or…I know that my SO and I will get divorced, I’ll never see Sophie again, and I might end up spending a lot of money on a child I have no connection to. I care about Sophie and I love her, but I love her Olivia more. Because she is my niece and I have been involved in her life all my life.
I told him that of course I would be happy for Sophie to be one of the beneficiaries of our estate, but that if he had Sophie, I should be able to have a beneficiary as well. Told. He even gets mean when I buy Olivia nice presents or spend money on her. Like when I took her to see BTS (her favorite band).
If he doesn’t back down, I might break off the engagement, but I’m curious if I’m being AH here. Although I care about her stepdaughter, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to still want to support her beloved niece.
What do you think? The top commenter said:
The Cynical Mage said:
NTA, I think that’s the problem, rather than you feeding both Olivia and Sophie, he expects you to cut Olivia in favor. of Sophie. As you say, she has her parents and you’re willing to share some of her expenses, so why is he so entitled on behalf of her child? mosquito? Enough to be jealous of her niece?
Mr Screech said:
IRS, you’re paying for half of the house, so you should have a say in who gets the half. They want everything to be in their daughter’s name so they don’t have to pay everything. I agree to break up. If he can’t accept your niece being in your life, why should you put up with him?
Theresagis said:
National Tax Agency. Her girlfriend Sophie has two of her parents who can support her. she doesn’t need you Be wary of legally linking your money (such as marriage, joint accounts, large joint purchases, etc.) with someone who tells you how to spend or invest your money. That’s a red flag. Tell her fiancé that you will continue to invest in Olivia’s college costs. Notice his reaction.
splsshstrw said:
NTA – I find it disturbing that instead of asking you to contribute to your child’s college fund, they want you to stop funding your niece.
Majlynn said:
ESH – He shouldn’t think you’ll stop giving money to your niece, that’s your choice. You call being her soon-to-be stepdaughter “his financial responsibility,” but if you’re going to be her stepmother, that’s kind of gross. She will be responsible for you in every way.
A thousand donkeys said:
National Tax Agency. I think he’s mad because he wants OPS to be his daughter’s third wallet. An emotionally mature man who values his family (after all, he has a daughter whom he cherishes) will be happy that his fiance has a strong bond with his niece . In fact, he sulks about it. This man’s is not that man. For people with small children, two years seems like a blink of an eye.
And OP is a well-paid lawyer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he suggested it sooner than he might have otherwise, as a way to speed up the process of getting more funding for kids and relieving financial pressure. OP is right to be wary.
Revolutionary Semi said:
National Tax Agency. True, marriage requires the combined financial strength of each other, but Sophie has two parents to support her, and you have the right to want to support your niece with your own income. You are not obligated to be Sophie’s third source of financial support when it comes to things like college. Especially since you become a third wallet. But you are not Sophie, so you are not on the same level as Sophie in her eyes. A “real” mom.
Sophie returns the love to her “real mom,” so it’s unfair for you to give and give and expect little in return.
She then shared this unexpected update.
I had no intention of marrying him and broke off the engagement. I tried to talk to him tonight, but he ended up getting into a big fight with me. From what he said, it became clear that he felt her resentment towards Olivia and believed that I needed to “replace” her with Sophie. When I tried to explain that Sophie already had a mother, with whom she lived most of the time, and that she didn’t want her mother to replace me,
She literally said, “I’m not saying you have to take her place, but you do have to contribute financially, because that’s what happens. She’s my responsibility.” , and you need to help me with my financial responsibilities, which means he is responsible for taking care of her while keeping an appropriate distance from me.
He was also hostile towards Olivia, stating that getting married meant joining a new family and that I would join his family so I could leave behind the “weight of death”. I asked if he was referring to Olivia as a “dead weight.” He hesitated, so I took off my ring, threw it at him, packed my things, and went to get my hotel since it was late. I will deal with it in the next few days, but I have no intention of marrying him.
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